A is for Avocado – Bonkers giant pool float of the season. See also cacti, lobsters, watermelon slices and iced doughnuts, adorning the holiday pools of middle class parents across the Med.
B is for Bored, prefix with “Mummy, I’m” and repeat until September.
C is for Catering. Yep, they are seriously expecting you to add lunch to your mid-week culinary repertoire.
D is for Downpour. That’ll be the UK weather till September then.
E is for Educational Activities. Don’t. Even. Go. There.
F is for FOMO, AKA everyone else’s sun-dappled social media posts.
G is for dropping them off at the Grandparents and running for the hills.
H is for Holiday Club – what do you mean you didn’t pre-book in January?
I is for Ice Cream. The new five-a-day.
J is for Juggle. You take them this morning while I do that conference call, then I’ll drop them at Kate’s until lunchtime, then you take them to the park until I get back from the meeting and if it all goes to plan and the planets align, we’ll pass each other briefly on the stairs at around 2100 hours.
K is for Keeping It Real. Patience, sanity and bikini body…all MIA.
L is for Let’s Bake A Cake. No, not like that…I said be careful…teaspoon not tablespoon…stir it gently…oh, give it here, I’ll do it myself.
M is for the Movies. Shedload of pick ‘n’ mix for them, two hours of shut-eye in the dark for you. Holiday parenting win.
N is for No More School Run – the saving grace of this whole shebang.
O is for Outings. £1,345,879 later…
P is for Play dates. All fun and games until you have to return the favour.
Q is for Quality Time. If you don’t post a picture on Instagram, it never happened.
R is for Relaxation – a historical concept once applied to extended periods of time off. No longer part of your vocabulary.
S is for Seventh Circle of Hell AKA Clarks kids department the weekend before school starts.
T is for Tesco, absolutely a legitimate afternoon’s activity from mid-August onwards.
U is for Uniform. Another £1,345,879.
V is for Victory. Put all the clocks forward and convince them it’s bedtime at 1830.
W is for Whinge, Whinge, Wine?
X is for X-Ray. No finer place for a day trip three days before you fly to Greece. Eek.
Y is for Yoga. It’s amazing how swiftly family harmony can be restored by a group sun salutation… Only kidding, it is obviously for Yelling.
Z is for Zero chance you’ll be anything other than ten minutes early on the first day back. Shoes polished, bags packed, can’t wait to moan about the school run again.