A–Z of the Summer Holidays

A is for Avocado – Bonkers giant pool float of the season. See also cacti, lobsters, watermelon slices and iced doughnuts, adorning the holiday pools of middle class parents across the Med.

B is for Bored, prefix with “Mummy, I’m” and repeat until September.

C is for Catering. Yep, they are seriously expecting you to add lunch to your mid-week culinary repertoire.

D is for Downpour. That’ll be the UK weather till September then.

E is for Educational Activities. Don’t. Even. Go. There.

F is for FOMO, AKA everyone else’s sun-dappled social media posts.

G is for dropping them off at the Grandparents and running for the hills.

H is for Holiday Club – what do you mean you didn’t pre-book in January?

I is for Ice Cream. The new five-a-day.

J is for Juggle. You take them this morning while I do that conference call, then I’ll drop them at Kate’s until lunchtime, then you take them to the park until I get back from the meeting and if it all goes to plan and the planets align, we’ll pass each other briefly on the stairs at around 2100 hours.

K is for Keeping It Real. Patience, sanity and bikini body…all MIA.

L is for Let’s Bake A Cake. No, not like that…I said be careful…teaspoon not tablespoon…stir it gently…oh, give it here, I’ll do it myself.

M is for the Movies. Shedload of pick ‘n’ mix for them, two hours of shut-eye in the dark for you. Holiday parenting win.

N is for No More School Run – the saving grace of this whole shebang.

O is for Outings. £1,345,879 later…

P is for Play dates. All fun and games until you have to return the favour.

Q is for Quality Time. If you don’t post a picture on Instagram, it never happened.

R is for Relaxation – a historical concept once applied to extended periods of time off. No longer part of your vocabulary.

S is for Seventh Circle of Hell AKA Clarks kids department the weekend before school starts.

T is for Tesco, absolutely a legitimate afternoon’s activity from mid-August onwards.

U is for Uniform. Another £1,345,879.

V is for Victory. Put all the clocks forward and convince them it’s bedtime at 1830.

W is for Whinge, Whinge, Wine?

X is for X-Ray. No finer place for a day trip three days before you fly to Greece. Eek.

Y is for Yoga. It’s amazing how swiftly family harmony can be restored by a group sun salutation… Only kidding, it is obviously for Yelling.

Z is for Zero chance you’ll be anything other than ten minutes early on the first day back. Shoes polished, bags packed, can’t wait to moan about the school run again.